Thinking.

You know what's hard? 

Thinking. 

Thinking about anything. Thinking about words that I need. Thinking about things I'm supposed to be doing. Thinking about how to explain my life. Thinking about what to write here on my blog. Thinking about what's going to happen to me next, Lyme wise. Thinking about what's going to happen to me next, life wise. 

Sometimes it's hard because the words just won't come to me. Brain-fog that comes along with Lyme is a very real thing. It's hard to think when you feel like your head is physically in a cloud. 

Sometimes it's hard because it's painful, emotionally. Especially when it comes to thinking about what I'm not able to do with my life, or what I'm missing out on. It's hard to thinking about how life would be different without Lyme. It's hard to think about the things that are happening in your body. So usually it's best to just avoid it. 

Sometimes it's hard because it's painful, physically. When my brain hurts, thinking makes it worse. As crazy as it probably sounds if you've never experienced it--there is such a thing as a brain-ache. Sometimes it feels like your brain is heavy. Sometimes it feels like it's quivering. Sometimes it feels like it's in a marshmallow. Sometimes it just hurts. And when that happens, forget thinking. Brain-aches call for a nap. 

And sometimes, I just don't want to do it. Sometimes I don't want to learn anymore about what's happening to my body or my life. I just want to live without having to think so much about it. I know everyone has things in their life that they have to think about. But, that doesn't make it any less exhausting to have to constantly be thinking about what hurts, when your next doctors appointment is, if you can make it to that next appointment without having to call sooner for another one, if you've taken your medicine, if something is wrong. The list never ends. 

And it sucks. 

There's no other way to say it. 

Sometimes thinking is just hard.