Thinking.

Tonight, I don't want to write about Lyme. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about it. And I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to do it tonight. But then I started thinking--I don't just do this for me. I don't sit down everyday and write just because I get something out of it. Of course it's good for me. It's always good to get your thoughts and feelings out. It's even better to get them down in writing to look back at later. But I also write for you. I write for you if you also have Lyme. I write for you if you love someone with Lyme. I write for you if you think you might have Lyme but haven't gotten a diagnosis yet. I write for you if you know you have Lyme but no one believes you. I write for you if you didn't even know about Lyme before you started reading my blog. I write for you if I know you in real life. And I write for you if I've never even met you. 

Tonight, I don't feel like thinking about Lyme. But, the thing about being chronically ill is, it doesn't go away just because you don't feel like thinking about it. As I'm sitting here trying to not think about it, I feel firework-type pains shooting through my body. My fingers are double their normal size because it's raining outside. And my anxiety is off the charts because I have two appointments tomorrow and I'm traveling over the next few days. My body has a really annoying way of reminding me that it's not okay, even when I'm trying my hardest to tell it otherwise. Even when I'm trying not to think about it. 

Tonight, I don't feel like thinking about Lyme. I don't feel like thinking about how much it sucks. I don't feel like being strong and thinking about how it's made me a better person. I don't feel like even thinking that it exists. 

But I'll think of it a thousand times over if it means helping even one person who also doesn't want to think about it. If you know that you're not alone in wanting nothing to do with it, I've done my job. 

And, if all else fails, here's a picture of my puppy. Think about him instead.