Anxiety.

I've been thinking about this post for a long time now. I am pretty sure I mentioned in a post a while back that I was going to be writing this, and then I never did. It's a touchy subject. It's hard to explain, and even harder to explain without seeming like I'm complaining. Or seeming like I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't. So I was putting off writing about it. But here I am. Finally writing it. And honestly, there couldn't be a better time to be doing so. 

I am an anxious freaking wreck. 

Yep. I said it. I have anxiety. And I have a lot of it. 

I don't get anxious about specific things. I'm not afraid of anything in particular. I can't pinpoint the cause of the feelings I get. I don't know the root of my panicky moments. I'm just anxious.

Almost every day I am reminded of my anxiety. Sometimes I wake up with it. Sometimes it hits me later on in the day. But most of the time it's the worst at night. And it's not because I'm actively thinking about anything that would make me anxious. It's not because I'm thinking about being anxious at all. I'm just anxious. 

So I thought I'd compile a list of things that I, as someone not only with Lyme, but also with anxiety, want you to know. If you have someone in your life that has anxiety, especially anxiety that comes along with having a chronic illness, maybe something on this list will help you understand them a little better. 

1. I can't control it. I don't have a switch that turns my anxiety on and off. It happens on its own, and I don't know when or why it's going to happen.

2. If I could get rid of it, I would have a long time ago. Taking medicine helps, but it's not a quick and easy fix by any means. 

3. I'm not doing this to myself. 

4. I'm not doing this to hurt you. (Because, again, I'm not doing it.) I'm not having an anxiety attack so that I don't have to hang out with you. I'm not staying home just because I'm lazy. I'm not conveniently situating my anxiety in my life to have any kind of impact on yours. 

5. Yes, the thought of waking up tomorrow and still being sick makes me anxious. I'm not going to sit here and deny that my anxiety is ever connected to my Lyme. If you had the flu and knew you were going to wake up every day still having the flu, with no one and nothing to help you fight that flu, it would start to affect you too. Yes, most of the people in your life who have a chronic illness probably have anxiety. And yes, they have a valid reason. 

6. Being anxious and being scared are two very different things. 

7. You can't always see someone's anxiety. It doesn't always show itself in panic attacks or anything outwardly visible at all. Everyone experiences anxiety differently and everyone deals with it differently. 

8. Just because I have anxiety doesn't mean I'm not happy. Just because I have anxiety doesn't mean I don't appreciate the good things in my life. Just because I have anxiety doesn't mean I can't, or don't want to, do things with you. 

9. If you have issues with anxiety, you aren't alone. I bet more people in your life have it than you even realize. 

10. There's a stigma surrounding anxiety, but there doesn't have to be. Be there for the person in your life who struggles with it. Let them try to explain it to you. A little effort goes a long way. 

So there it is. I have anxiety. (Every time I have written that in this post I have thought about "I have nodes. They sit on your windpipe and crush your dreams. ...I am living with nodes...but I am a survivor." from Pitch Perfect. Come on, you know you have too. Or at least now you are. You're welcome.) 

I'm sure, if you know me in real life, reading this post wasn't a shock to you. I'm not one to hide my anxiety. Yeah it sucks. Yeah I wish I didn't have it. Yeah I wish I didn't have to talk about it ever. But I do think it's important to get it out there. Because, chances are someone in your life also deals with it. And if my struggles can help you help even one person with their struggles, then we're doing a good thing.