And she was right. What does normal even mean? I guess it depends on your situation; normal is relative. In my case, normal means doing the things that I feel like I would be doing right now if I didn't have Lyme. Of course, I don't exactly know what my life would be like without Lyme, but I do know what my friends do, and what I assume I would be doing as well, if things were different.
Normal to me is going out with my friends (and by out I mean, like, to chik-fil-a and Target, let's not get crazy.) or going for a walk with my dog. Normal is going a whole day without a nap. Normal is being spontaneous with my decisions, staying out too late, and doing things just for the hell of it.
Sometimes I can do those things.
Sometimes I shouldn't, but I do anyway.
And, on the days when I shouldn't do things, but I do them anyway, I pay for it big time. The days when I go out, I come home in pain. Every single time. The times when I go shopping, and push through the feeling of the lights and smells in the stores, I end up with hives or twitchy muscles when I get home. Sometimes even before I get home. And the days when I work hard to get through a day without a nap, getting up the next day is a bigger struggle than you can probably imagine.
Think about the hardest thing you've ever done. The day that you pushed your body the hardest and ended up more exhausted than you ever thought possible. That is how I feel when I try to be normal.
And, some days it's worth it. If it means doing something for someone else, it's worth it. If it's an opportunity I won't get again for a long time, or something with people I don't normally get to see, it's worth it. I try my hardest to always put other people first, and I try my hardest to do what they need from me. But sometimes I just can't.
And that's okay.
I do find myself getting angry when I can't keep up, but I'm slowly getting better at realizing that the overdraft fee isn't always worth it.
Sometimes the price to pay for normalcy is just too much.
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