The truth.

Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I told the truth. 

Now, don't worry. I'm by no means saying that the things I talk about/the stories I tell aren't the truth. I pride myself on sharing my truth if it's going to be of any kind of service or have any kind of positive impact on someone else. I will forever share the truth that people need to hear to understand the severity of Lyme and the importance of awareness. 

But sometimes I say I'm okay when I'm not. And by sometimes, I mean a lot of the time. Sometimes I say "oh I'm good" when in reality I feel like my insides are burning, there's a vice on my head and fire ants in my brain, and my finger joints feel like they have balloons in each of them. Sometimes I say I don't need anything when in all actuality I need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, and a couch to sit on with a friend just so I'm not alone. And sometimes I say I'm feeling better just because I'm tired of having to say that I'm not. 

"How are you?" "Well, my head has been hurting for almost 6 years straight now, but today it feels worse than normal. The back of my neck is so weak that it can barely hold my head up. I get nauseous and my whole body gets hot almost every time I eat. My hands hurt 24/7. My hips feel like they're being ripped apart. And it feels like my clothes are burning holes in my skin." 

"...I'm fine" 

Sometimes I say I can do something when I shouldn't. Sometimes I offer to do something for someone I love because I want to be able to, not because I'm actually okay enough to do it. And I also feel the repercussions of my decisions. For days. Sometimes longer. 

"No sorry, I can't do that. It will make my pain 10x worse, I will be as exhausted as if I were to run 5 marathons in a row, and my brain will be so tired that it forgets how to be a brain." 

"...sure, what time do you need me there?" 

It's a constant battle between only telling what needs to be heard and telling the whole story. I'm lying by omission. I'm preaching the importance of knowing and owning your truth but I'm not even telling the entirety of mine. Am I a hypocrite or am I just doing what I need to survive? 

I'm not sure if I'll ever really know that answer. 

But I do know that I will continue to tell the truth that you need to hear. Because, it's my sincere hope that by telling that truth you won't ever have to understand the whole truth. 

I hope you never have to understand the whole truth.