I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like to have my life back. 

I wonder what it's going to be like to be able to get up in the morning and go on about my day without thinking anything of it. To be able to be spontaneous. To not have to think about medications. To be able to do things without worry constantly in the back of my mind. To be able to do things without thinking about what symptom that will exacerbate. Just to be able to live my life like I should be able to. 

I wonder what it's going to be like to wake up one day without a headache. It's been almost seven years. I don't know if I remember what it feels like to not have one.

I wonder what it's going to be like to have my brain back. I wonder what it's going to be like to be able to come up with words when I need to. I wonder what it's going be like to be able to remember all the things that I've forgotten. What it's going to be like to not feel like there are bugs running through my brain and eating the parts that I worked so hard to build. 

And mostly, I wonder if all of that's ever going to happen. 

I wish with everything that I have. I work with all of my might.

But mostly, I wonder.