Lyme month day 7–“Congratulations!”

Today I received a letter in the mail that told me the results of a test I had to have done a couple weeks ago.

 The letter said: “Your test results are normal! Congratulations!”

First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever had a letter from a doctor tell me congratulations. So after initial giggling at that, and at the fact that they used exclamation marks, I got to thinking.

I got to thinking about the fact that I have a very hard time feeling positive about normal test results.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about another test that had similar results. And she said to me “it’s sad that you can’t celebrate good news.” 

And she’s right. I should be excited that I’m not receiving a phone call with bad news. Deep down I do know that. 

But is not having an answer good news? Is not knowing how to stop the pain good news? Is not knowing my next step good news? Is finding out that another diagnosis was wrong good news? 

So yes, “your test results are normal” should elicit a celebratory response. It should. And 10 years ago it would have. And maybe one day it will again. But for now it’s hard to stop the frustration, the sadness, and the feeling of being let down yet again when I hear or see those words for what seems like the thousandth time. It’s hard to be optimistic when for years before my first co-infection diagnosis, and still a couple years before my Lyme diagnosis, I KNEW something was wrong and “your test results are normal” was all that I got. It’s hard to let my body go through another test and hope and pray that I will hear something more than “your test results are normal.”

It’s heart-wrenching. It’s exhausting. And it doesn’t make sense. 

So yes, I should have been happy about that letter I got today. And I know my response does not make sense to someone who has never been in my shoes, or the shoes of someone with a chronic illness. It seems crazy. I even feel a little crazy sharing this. But this is one of those times that I hope to maybe shed a little light onto something that you wouldn’t think about. 

...”Your test results are normal, congratulations!” 

...”Your test results are normal, again, I am so very sorry.” 

Here’s to hoping that some day again I’ll read or hear that first sentence and not feel the second one in my heart.