Lyme month day 4–This Was Not Part of the Plan

I am struggling to write this post today. I have started and deleted it probably five times. I have the beginnings of three different posts saved in my notes but none of them seem right. I can’t get my thoughts together. I have so many things I want to share with you this month—I have a whole list—but none of them are happening today. 

My intentions were not to start this month out so negatively. 

This was not part of the plan. 

But I guess in promising you the reality of lyme—in promising you to own my story despite my fear this month—this is really what I should be giving you anyway. 

I should be telling you that I went shopping with my mom today and couldn’t make it through the store. I should be telling you that I had to tell my mom—the absolute best, most supportive, person in my entire life—that I needed her to stop talking in the car today because the sound of her voice was physically hurting my brain (no, not my head, my brain) and making it feel like there were ice picks being stabbed into my neck. I should be telling you that I’m in tears writing that because I know how crazy and unbelievable it sounds and I hate that it’s real. I should be telling you how equally sad it makes me that my mom understood because this is her reality, too. I should be telling you that my brain has never felt more physically unstable in my head than it has over the last few days. I should be telling you that that makes me feel just as emotionally and mentally unsettled as you’d think a wobbly brain would. I should be telling you that I have doctors appointments coming up this week that I already feel the anxiety creeping in for. I should be telling you that my hands are twice their normal size tonight. I should be telling you that I can’t feel my left foot. I should be telling you that I am struggling. 

I should be telling you that I am going to be okay. 

But this was not part of the plan.