Lyme month day 29–“You Should See a Psychiatrist”

I saw a new doctor today. Actually, let’s not beat around the bush—I saw a psychiatrist today. And let me tell you, walking into a psychiatrists office for the first time after being told for years upon years that I “just needed to see a psychiatrist” because I was “not really sick” was not an easy thing to do. The time that my mom was told that she needed to get me to a psychiatrist because the list of symptoms that I brought to the infectious disease doctor was “too clinical and had to have been printed offline” was not far from my mind as I walked into the office this morning. The time that I ran out of my pediatricians office crying when he said “oh is that what you want to be wrong with you next?” when we asked about Lyme for the first time, and I ended up being put on depression meds instead, wasn’t far from my mind either as the door closed behind me today. 

Everything inside of me was telling me to turn around and leave. But I didn’t. Everything inside of me was repeatedly reminding myself that I was there because I was choosing to be, not because anyone was making me. But that voice of “you aren’t really sick. You are feeling this way because you want to feel this way. This is all psychosomatic. You are just young and looking for attention. You need to see a psychiatrist before this goes any further” was there too. Like a far away whisper, kind of. But there, nonetheless. Everything inside of me felt like it was being squeezed and simultaneously exploding. 

But I did it. 

I did what I needed to do. For myself. And I think that maybe when all of the feels have calmed down, I’ll feel a little stronger for it. 

And then, while I was talking to her, the doctor mentioned that psych was a “grey science,” meaning that it is something that is different for everyone and it takes a while to figure it out. And she said “I know that’s something you understand, since Lyme is a grey science, too.” 

And that was all I needed. Validation. 

I honestly never thought I would walk into a psychiatrists office. I absolutely think that mental health is of utmost importance. I don’t think that we can heal physically if we don’t also heal mentally. But I didn’t think that I would ever be able to do what I did today. 

But I did it. I needed to do it. And I did it. 

And I think that a little part of my brain that was angry for a really long time might be on its way to being a little less angry. Slowly, but on it’s way. And that’s all I can ask for. One step at a time. 

And if you’re reading this and any of it resonates with you—if you also have been told that you are not sick, that you are faking, that you are just wanting attention, or if you are struggling to take the step towards mental health help for ANY reason at all, any reason in the whole world—you are NOT alone. It can be intimidating. But it is SO IMPORTANT. Because you are SO IMPORTANT. There is no you that is more important than you. So please—if you need a hand, or an ear, or a set of eyes, to help you, I am here. Reach out to me. You are not alone and you deserve all of the good things. I sincerely mean it. And I love you—just in case you need to hear that today, too.