I did not blog yesterday. (And if you’re one of the handful of people who reached out to me to check on me because you didn’t see a post—thank you so much! I am okay. And even more okay because you checked on me. Thank you for caring.) I had an eye doctor appointment where they dilated my eyes and had a headache from that for a while afterwards. I fell asleep early, woke up to my alarm to take my medicine and realized I didn’t have a blog written. I felt a little guilty about it and then decided that I needed to just go back to sleep and that I would catch up today.
Then today I went on a lunch date. Every now and then I go through this phase of feeling like I need to be dating. Not because I particularly want to be, but because I feel like that’s my responsibility as an almost 28 year old. Because, if the judgment I receive for the way my illnesses force me to live my life isn’t enough, the fact that I’m almost 28 and not dating/married/whatever certainly puts it over the edge. So I do it for a little while and then I remember why I haven’t been. (That’s a blog topic for another day!)
So I was lying in my bed just now feeling down on myself and I scrolled past this quote on Facebook that said:
“You are not obligated to do everything a healthy person does. You are not obligated to be an inspiration. You are not obligated to hide your illness in order to make other people comfortable. You are allowed to know your limits. You are allowed to have bad days. You are allowed to stay in bed if you can’t get up to do anything but go to the bathroom. It’s not your fault if other people leave you because of your illness. It is not your fault that you are sick. You don’t have to apologize for something that is out of your control.” -Unknown
If that doesn’t speak to what I’m feeling right now—both about missing my blog last night and about feeling like I’m required to do something just because of the point I’m in in life—I don’t know know what does.
And I think that quote can really be applied to anyone, chronically ill or not. Just take some of the words out and it’s pretty universal. You, as a human, do not owe anything to anyone. (Well I mean, besides like, taxes.) You do not have to do anything just because you feel like you are supposed to. You are your own self. You’re the best you there is. But if you have days when you do not feel that way, that is okay, too! You were put on this earth for a purpose, but you do not have to fulfill that purpose every second of everyday. Give yourself a second to breathe, to not be perfect, and to mess up. It is okay. You are okay.
That quote was what I needed to see today. I sometimes get caught up in wanting so badly to not let what I’m living happen to the people I care about that I forget to remember that it has happened to me already. I forget that I need to be my first priority.
But I am not going to apologize to anyone else today for not being perfect. The only person I am going to apologize to is myself. For thinking that I needed to be.
If you’re feeling the same way today, this is my reminder to you that it is okay. It is going to be okay. You are okay. And in case no one else has told you lately, I believe in you. Whatever and whoever you are. Chronically ill or not.
But to those of you reading this who are chronically ill, and especially those of you who have Lyme, this is an extra message just for you. I see you. I know that it’s hard. I know that it’s so hard. You are not alone. Your struggles are valid. You are enough. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. I believe you. And I believe in you.
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