I had blog post planned for today. But I had a moment earlier today that derailed that plan and lead me here instead.
Today I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not mine.
I have written here before about my struggles with my body throughout my Lyme journey, but I’ve never really talked specifically about my face.
People tell me all the time that I look the exact same as I did when I was a little girl. And they’re right. In the big picture, I am the same red headed, curly haired, freckle faced girl that I was when I was five. Just taller and with glasses and a gap in my teeth. (Sorry Mom, I know you paid a lot of money for those braces and I was supposed to keep wearing my retainer...)
But my face tells the story. Some days it’s a story of resilience. Some days it’s a story of hope that I find somewhere deep down inside. But today when I looked in the mirror it was a story that broke my heart.
Today when I looked in the mirror my face was not mine.
Some days I am significantly more swollen than others. Some days my face is very round from that swelling, some days it isn’t. Some days I’m okay with that, some days I’m not. Some days my eyes are more sunken into my face, some days they aren’t. Some days I have dark circles, some days I don’t. Some days I am very pale, some days I’m not. Some days my left pupil is huge, some days it’s normal. Some days the left side of my face is a just a little droopy, some days it’s not. Some days I think that wonky face is kind of quirky and cute, some days it makes me irreparably sad. Some days I look in the mirror and smile at myself, knowing I’m going to be okay. Some days I immediately look away, not so sure. Some days I know that I’m winning this battle, some days I feel like I’m the carnage in the war being fought inside my body.
Today I was the carnage. Today I did not smile.
Today my face was not mine.
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