It's weird.

It's weird, this Lyme life. It's weird how you can go from waking up in the morning just semi-hurting to lying in bed at night feeling like your muscles are being ripped from your bones and your skin is being slowly peeled from your body piece by piece. It's weird how you can go from just feeling uncomfortable from the lights in a store to feeling like you're going to pass out just sitting in the chair at home as the room spins around you and it feels like there is no ground underneath you even though your body is firmly planted in the chair, which is also firmly planted on the floor. It's weird how you can go from walking to feeling like you couldn't even stand up if you tried because your legs don't feel like they belong to you and your hips don't feel like they could possibly hold legs let along do the motion they need to do to move those legs. It's weird how you can go from watching the tv to looking down at your phone and not being able to see the letters that are in front of you because your eyes are "doing that flipping thing they do" which is actually a seizure of your optic nerve that your "eye just does sometimes" and it's even weirder that you've grown to just be okay with that. It's weird that it hurts to put clothes on because it hurts where they touch your skin. It's weird that it hurts to take a shower because it hurts when the water touches your skin sometimes, too. 

It's weird that it feels like your body is filled with a million tiny creatures, running amuck, (amuck, amuck, amuck! Sorry, couldn't help myself. If you got that reference, good job.) wrecking havoc on your body, stripping you of the life you used to have and replacing it with one that feels completely different, scary, and not like one you would have chosen for yourself. It's weird that you can feel those tiny creatures traveling through your body choosing what they are going to attack next. It's weird that your body feels like your skin is crawling, not just itching, but like you're infested with something that you are nothing against. It's weird that it feels like a movie, like something that couldn't possibly be real life. And it's even weirder, because it's real. And it's happening to you. 

Unexpected Feelings.

I wrote an Instagram post about this topic a few minutes ago, but I'm sitting here still thinking about it, so I'm going to continue my thoughts in a blog post, naturally. If you haven't seen my Instagram post, which most of you probably haven't, let's start at the very beginning (it's a very good place to start...)

I am sitting in a waiting room right now while my mom is in a doctor's appointment. We are in a hospital. At this hospital I have have had two major surgeries on my leg. One was 9 years ago and the second was 8 years ago now. I thought I was over it.  I thought the scars and some random sore days were all I had left of that time in my life. But, when we got close to the hospital today I started getting anxious. The appointment isn't even for me. It for my mom's knee. My mom isn't nervous. I'm the one that's nervous. 

"You are here for mom. Not you. You are okay. It is okay."

We pulled in the parking lot and my heart started fluttering. Faster and faster. It was like I was getting ready to have surgery again. I had to start telling myself that it wasn't for me. Then I walked in through the doors and the smell hit me. It was familiar and not in a good way. This hospital is awesome. They treat us fantastically here. We've had nothing but good experiences here (I mean, as good as you can have when you're getting cut open). But still, the smell brought me back and it wasn't to a good place. 

"Breathe, Leigh. It is okay. Nothing is happening to you. That smell is just the hospital, not an operating room. You are not having surgery. You are okay." 

This hospital has never had anything to do with anything Lyme related yet I sit here continuously thinking that something bad is about to happen to me. My name is about to be called. Something is about to hurt me here. They're going to judge me and my pain. Every time I hear a name that isn't mine I breathe a sigh of relief when it isn't mine. Then I remind myself that it isn't going to be mine. I'm not here for me. I'm not here for me at all. 

"It is okay. You are okay." 

I think it's probably kind of normal. To have these kinds of lasting feelings. But wow. I didn't know this was coming today. So for now I will sit here with my tea and my coloring book--two things that calm me down--and switch back and forth between looking out the window at the rain and watching the other people in the waiting room. And be thankful that this waiting room has couches. 

Because, let's be real, when you frequent waiting rooms, a waiting room with couches instead of chairs is nothing to take for granted. 

Mindful Month--Wrap Up

Well friends, we did it! We worked through the month of October mindfully, together! The goal of this mindful month journey was to help us slow down and live more of our moments than we would have if we were to just go through each day like we do every other month. To be able to say when we got here that we didn't just get to October 31st and miss everything that passed by since the 1st because life was moving by too fast. I sincerely hope that that's what you got out of it. Even if you thought some of the days were silly (which they were) and even if you didn't celebrate all of them (I didn't either), I hope you took the time to at least think about how you could slow your days down and live your moments in a way that would help you, personally, live better this month and, ultimately, on past this month as well. 

If you know me in real life, you know that I really like quotes. And, there's a quote that says something along the lines of: "be thankful for this moment for this moment is your life." I hope that this month you were able to be thankful for all of your moments. And I hope that going forward you are able to focus more on those moments. Because, even though it's easy to lose the little things--the little moments--in the shuffle, these moments are your life. And that's nothing to take for granted. 

Thank you, once again, for taking this mindful month journey with me. You helped me fill my moments this month, as well. And for that, I'm so grateful. 

Mindful Month--Day 32

So, contrary to my own opinion on the matter, I got quite a few pro-candy-corn comments on my post yesterday! If you were one of those people, I hope you celebrated and got your candy corn today! 

Tomorrow, October 31st, is Halloween! It's also National Caramel Apple Day and Increase Your Psychic Powers Day (apparently that's a thing), and National Knock Knock Jokes Day. 

So, be safe if you're celebrating Halloween! Enjoy your caramel apple if you're eating one, not sure what to say about the psychic powers one (?), and if you're celebrating knock knock jokes, here's one for you: 

Knock-knock.

Who's there? 

H.

H who?

Bless you!

And, on that extremely cheesy note, that ends our mindful month. Come back tomorrow for a wrap-up of the month! 

Mindful Month--Day 30

Tomorrow, October 30th, is National Candy Corn Day. I personally hate candy corn. But, if candy corn is your thing, then tomorrow is your kind of day! I also read something suggesting that you celebrate by throwing away everyone else's candy corn if candy corn isn't your thing...but I don't suggest that. Tomorrow is also Frankenstein Friday. (Not to be confused with Frankenstein Day, though, which is August 30th, to celebrate the author of the book.) I'm not really sure how one would go about celebrating Frankenstein, but if you can think of something, go for it! 

And, be sure to come back tomorrow for the last day of our mindful month! 

Mindful Month--Day 29

I found out in the middle of today that I missed a good day for us to celebrate! Today was apparently I Love You Day. I hope someone told you today that they love you. Actually, I hope someone tells you everyday that they love you, not just because it's I Love You Day. But, especially today. 

Tomorrow, October 29th, is National Cat Day and National Oatmeal Day. And also, the one that I am choosing to celebrate, Internet Day. Without the internet, I wouldn't be writing these words right now. Without the internet, you wouldn't be reading these words right now. Without the internet, I wouldn't be able to get my message about Lyme out. Without the internet I wouldn't have half of the support I have from my Lyme friends. Without the internet, things would be very different. I am thankful for the internet every day; I celebrate it every day. But tomorrow I will be extra thankful for everything the internet has brought to me. And tomorrow, I will be extra thankful that the internet has brought you to my words, to my message--to my blog. 

So, whatever day you choose to celebrate tomorrow--whether you choose to also celebrate the internet with me, whether you choose to celebrate oatmeal, or whether you choose to celebrate cats, do so mindfully and fully. We're down to the last few days this month. 

And I'm extra thankful for the internet, and for you. 

Mindful Month--Day 28

Tomorrow, October 28th, is National Chocolate Day. I have a feeling this is going to be a fan favorite! A whole day that tells you you're allowed to eat chocolate?! Sign me up! 

That's pretty much all tomorrow gives us to work with. But, I think that's a pretty good one! So, fill your moments with chocolate tomorrow and stay tuned for the last few days of our mindful month--and thanks again for coming on this journey with me!