There’s this weird place in life with a chronic illness where you’re not quite disabled by it, but also not quite totally functional.
That’s where I am.
I’m constantly floating in between the days where I am, in fact, stuck in bed and the days where I can go about my normal life all day without a problem. I’m constantly back and forth between looking sick and hiding it really well. I’m constantly stuck between listening to my body and, therefore, doing less than I want to be, and pushing my body and feeling the consequences. I’m constantly in that in-between.
And it’s exhausting.
It’s exhausting to wake up in the morning and not know where on that spectrum of functionality you’re going to be that day. It’s exhausting to start a day in one place and then have something happen mid day that details you and sends you to the total opposite end of the spectrum. It’s exhausting to have to explain why you can’t do something today when you did something all day yesterday. It’s exhausting to feel like you are constantly floating back and forth. It’s exhausting to have to carry your emotions with you as you float back and forth. And even more so, it’s exhausting to feel like you’re floating back and forth in such an unpredictable body—a body that doesn’t even feel like yours.
It’s a weird place to be in. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I’m not bed bound all of the time. I’m grateful that I do have the days on the other end of things. If you know me at all, you know that I am always grateful. But man. The inconsistency is killer.
So, if someone you know has a chronic illness, take a second to consider this. Take a second to consider that maybe they are floating back and forth, too. Maybe they don’t know which way is up, either. Maybe they don’t know who they are when they look in the mirror, either. Maybe their emotions are feeling so heavy from their back and forth journey.
Maybe they are just as exhausted as me.
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