Unexpected Feelings.

I wrote an Instagram post about this topic a few minutes ago, but I'm sitting here still thinking about it, so I'm going to continue my thoughts in a blog post, naturally. If you haven't seen my Instagram post, which most of you probably haven't, let's start at the very beginning (it's a very good place to start...)

I am sitting in a waiting room right now while my mom is in a doctor's appointment. We are in a hospital. At this hospital I have have had two major surgeries on my leg. One was 9 years ago and the second was 8 years ago now. I thought I was over it.  I thought the scars and some random sore days were all I had left of that time in my life. But, when we got close to the hospital today I started getting anxious. The appointment isn't even for me. It for my mom's knee. My mom isn't nervous. I'm the one that's nervous. 

"You are here for mom. Not you. You are okay. It is okay."

We pulled in the parking lot and my heart started fluttering. Faster and faster. It was like I was getting ready to have surgery again. I had to start telling myself that it wasn't for me. Then I walked in through the doors and the smell hit me. It was familiar and not in a good way. This hospital is awesome. They treat us fantastically here. We've had nothing but good experiences here (I mean, as good as you can have when you're getting cut open). But still, the smell brought me back and it wasn't to a good place. 

"Breathe, Leigh. It is okay. Nothing is happening to you. That smell is just the hospital, not an operating room. You are not having surgery. You are okay." 

This hospital has never had anything to do with anything Lyme related yet I sit here continuously thinking that something bad is about to happen to me. My name is about to be called. Something is about to hurt me here. They're going to judge me and my pain. Every time I hear a name that isn't mine I breathe a sigh of relief when it isn't mine. Then I remind myself that it isn't going to be mine. I'm not here for me. I'm not here for me at all. 

"It is okay. You are okay." 

I think it's probably kind of normal. To have these kinds of lasting feelings. But wow. I didn't know this was coming today. So for now I will sit here with my tea and my coloring book--two things that calm me down--and switch back and forth between looking out the window at the rain and watching the other people in the waiting room. And be thankful that this waiting room has couches. 

Because, let's be real, when you frequent waiting rooms, a waiting room with couches instead of chairs is nothing to take for granted.