3am.

It's 3am. I've seen a lot of 3ams in my time--studying, partying, watching movies, texting, baking, painting my nails, whatever it may be. But, the worst kind of 3am is the kind I'm having tonight. This kind of 3am isn't by choice, it isn't because I'm doing something fun and just don't want to sleep yet, and it isn't because I have a test tomorrow. I'm awake right now because it hurts; Lyme hurts. 

It hurts physically. My skin feels like it's on fire everywhere that my clothes are touching my body and everywhere that my skin is touching my bed. (And besides standing naked in the middle of my room, there is nothing to take that pain away.) My head is pounding on top of the ache that has made the back of my head/neck home over the past three years. My stomach feels like there is a hole in it from the disgusting number of pills I had to swallow a few hours ago. And my back hurts for some unknown reason. 

But, it also hurts mentally. Emotionally. In my heart. The what if's are the worst at 3am. What if I never get better? What if this is my normal for the rest of my life? What if the medicines stop working? What if my insurance stops covering things? What if my doctor loses his license for treating Lyme? (I don't know if I can go through that again.) What if I don't get to do the things I want to do, see the things I want to see, and love the people I want to love in my lifetime? So many questions. And 3am doesn't hold any answers. 

So all I can do is hold onto the hope that tomorrow will be the day that my body remembers that it has a job and starts working with me again. And tomorrow WILL be better, even if it's for no other reason than the fact that I will have made it to another day. I will have made it through another 3am.