Happy New Year!

I don't believe in New Years resolutions. I honestly believe that we should want to better ourselves everyday, not just because it's New Years and you feel like it's the right thing to say you're going to do. I also feel like making resolutions puts a lot of pressure on us that isn't always productive--sometimes it's even harmful. If you set a resolution for yourself saying that you will exercise every day and then you end up not being able to stick to it for one reason or another, what happens? Have you failed?  

The correct answer to that question is no. You are no less than you were yesterday. Nothing has changed. In a whole lot of situations, a New Years resolution is really nothing but a set up for disappointment--something that leaves you feeling worse instead of better about yourself. And, honestly, it's not worth it. If you want to be a better person, or you want to change something about yourself, start with something attainable--something that will make you feel better a lot deeper down than the normal superficial resolutions. 

Here are some suggestions if you're feeling stumped:

1. Focus on your health--your whole-body health. Not the "I want to fit back into my jeans from highschool" kind of health. Not the "I have too many zits" kind of superficial thing. Instead, think about your mind. Think about the things that make you feel bad deep down. Think about the things that are holding you back. Shoot for the things that will make your head hit the pillow at night with a smile on your face instead of a tear running down your cheek. That's what's important. When your heart is happy and your mind is happy, everything else will start to fall into place.

2. Do something that will make other people feel better. Reach out to someone else and let them know that they matter and that their struggles are real. Whether it's someone in your life who is sick, someone who is struggling financially, or someone who just needs an extra ear to listen to them...you can be that person. Be that person for someone else, and who knows, someone may be that person for you when you need them. 

3. Make an effort to see the good things in every day. My mom told me a few years ago that I would be happier if I took the time every night to write down three good things that happened to me that day. And, she was right. Taking the time to find three good things even on the worst days puts a whole new perspective on things. It may be hard at first, but the longer you make the effort, the easier it becomes. 

4. Start doing something you've always wanted to do but have never taken the time to start. Whether it's taking a class, joining a club, starting a blog, or reading a new book, if it's something you've wanted to do, it will leave you feeling fulfilled. Don't choose something just because everyone else is doing it. Do it because you want to. Even if you don't end up enjoying it, you will be able to say that you tried. You will never have to wonder again what it would be like. 

Just think about it. You don't have to listen to me. Do what is best for you--you know you best, and only you can make you better. Try to be the best you there is, and that is all that you can do.

I may not believe in New Years Resolutions, but I believe in you. You can do anything, starting right now. 

Merry Christmas!

"'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things...just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."

Christmas as a Lymie is so weird. It's good. Definitely good. I'm so thankful for everything that I received today, and everything that I was able to give. But, it's just so strange. You find yourself going through the motions of the day--waking up, opening presents, eating dinner with your family, etc.--but then it stops, and there you are. You're still sick. You're still hurting. And tomorrow is another normal day. No more anticipation for Christmas. The decorations start disappearing. And you're left with these weird feelings of "what now?" and "where do I go from here?" 

It's been like this for the last few years for me. But this year it's hitting especially hard as I sit here with 8 minutes left of Christmas. So, for now, I am going to hold onto the hope that maybe this time next year things will be different. Maybe I will feel better--even just a little bit. Maybe I won't be left with these weird feelings as Christmas comes to a close. Or maybe not. Maybe a year from now I will be writing something very similar. Who knows, really? (If the answer to that question is you, please clue me in.)

Until then, though...Merry Christmas! And, if you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey--the good, the bad, and everything in between. I appreciate you. 

"You're too optimistic..."

I've been told by two different friends in the past few weeks that I am "too optimistic."

...too optimistic. What does that even mean? 

The dictionary definition of optimism is as follows...

• a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.
• the belief that good ultimately predominates over evil in the world. 
• the belief that goodness pervades reality.

So, lets break this down a little bit. Yes, I am optimistic. I am that one friend that everyone loves to hate because I am always throwing the positive into everything. I am also the friend that everyone hates to love because they know that I'm right and sometimes it's hard to admit that someone else is right when you just want to be upset. (Trust me, I totally understand that part.) But, I haven't always been this way. It's taken a lot of negativity and pessimism, bad news and tough times to make me realize that being pessimistic doesn't get you anywhere. And, I'm not saying that being optimistic always gets you anywhere, either. But, it sure does make you feel better even when you aren't getting anywhere. Wouldn't you rather be stuck in one place while you see the beautiful things around you instead of being stuck in the same place and only worrying about everything that is going wrong in that moment? Yes, you are stuck. Yes, you will still be stuck either way that you look at it. But, I'd rather take that time while I'm stuck to look ahead of me, take in what I'm seeing (because when else do you really truly stop and look around you, except when you're forced to?), and breathe in a deep breath of air just because I can. I could be stuck in the same place thinking about what I'm missing out on while I'm stuck, or how dirty my shoes are getting because they're stuck in the mud, or how much I'm going to have to get done once I become un-stuck. That is definitely an option, and it's an option that is so hard not to fall victim to sometimes. But, in the end, it doesn't change the situation. 

It's all a matter of perspective. 

I'll leave you with this list of examples of my day-to-day choices (because, I'm not naturally optimistic. I don't think anyone is. It's a conscious decision every single minute of every single day to be optimistic) in which I choose to look at the brighter side of things. 

1. I am ridiculously sick. But, I am breathing--I am alive. 
2. I can't work right now. But, I know exactly what I want to do with my life when the time is right for me to work again and it's something I look forward to every single day. 
3. My friends don't understand what I'm going through with my health. But, I have found wonderful, supportive, incredibly understanding Lyme friends who I can't imagine my life without anymore. 
4. I may have days where getting out of bed seems like the most impossible task. But, there is always the chance that tomorrow will be the opposite, and getting out of bed won't seem as hard. And, if that day isn't tomorrow, there will be another tomorrow after that one. 
5. I am exhausted ALL of the time. But, I have caught up on a lot of good shows on Netflix on the days where I can't seem to do anything else. 
6. I spend way too much of my life in the doctors office. But, it gives me an opportunity to spend time with my mom on the way to and from my appointments--time that I may not be spending with her if I were healthy. 
7. Sometimes it's hard, and it hurts, to breathe. (this example is my current situation as we speak (type/read?...I guess we aren't really speaking) ) But, when I wake up tomorrow morning and it doesn't hurt as much anymore, that will be one point for tomorrow already being better than today. 
8. I'm 23 years old and I still live at home. But, I have a home to live in, I have parents who support me and understand (for the most part) that I am doing my best, and there are so many more days of my life that I will spend living on my own. I am not mooching, I am not a bum, I am focused on getting better. I am trying. And, that is okay.
9. Sometimes I get angry--at my Lyme, at myself, at the people around me. But, there is this beautiful thing called forgiveness. And that's something that should never be taken for granted. It's impossible to live a life with an illness if you can't forgive your illness, and yourself, daily. 
10. My brain doesn't always keep up with me anymore. But, I am able to write these words that you are reading right now. I can't do it every day. But, today, I can. And I am thankful for every single day that I can say that. 

And, if that makes me "too optimistic," then I guess I am too optimistic.

3am.

It's 3am. I've seen a lot of 3ams in my time--studying, partying, watching movies, texting, baking, painting my nails, whatever it may be. But, the worst kind of 3am is the kind I'm having tonight. This kind of 3am isn't by choice, it isn't because I'm doing something fun and just don't want to sleep yet, and it isn't because I have a test tomorrow. I'm awake right now because it hurts; Lyme hurts. 

It hurts physically. My skin feels like it's on fire everywhere that my clothes are touching my body and everywhere that my skin is touching my bed. (And besides standing naked in the middle of my room, there is nothing to take that pain away.) My head is pounding on top of the ache that has made the back of my head/neck home over the past three years. My stomach feels like there is a hole in it from the disgusting number of pills I had to swallow a few hours ago. And my back hurts for some unknown reason. 

But, it also hurts mentally. Emotionally. In my heart. The what if's are the worst at 3am. What if I never get better? What if this is my normal for the rest of my life? What if the medicines stop working? What if my insurance stops covering things? What if my doctor loses his license for treating Lyme? (I don't know if I can go through that again.) What if I don't get to do the things I want to do, see the things I want to see, and love the people I want to love in my lifetime? So many questions. And 3am doesn't hold any answers. 

So all I can do is hold onto the hope that tomorrow will be the day that my body remembers that it has a job and starts working with me again. And tomorrow WILL be better, even if it's for no other reason than the fact that I will have made it to another day. I will have made it through another 3am. 

"It's not easy to have a friend with Lyme"

(Disclaimer: This is not a positive post. If you only want to read the happy, positive, everything-is-going-to-be-okay posts, don't read this one.)

I've been in a lot of situations over the last few years where I have had to cancel plans because my body just wouldn't keep up, or because I developed new random symptoms an hour before I was supposed to be leaving for something. I am fully aware that it makes me seem flighty and unreliable. I understand that it sucks for you, as my friend, when you have to change your plans, as well. I understand that you wanted to hang out. (I obviously wanted to hang out, too, or I wouldn't have said yes in the first place) I understand that it is an inconvenience in your life when I have to back out. I get it. But it's not easy for me either. I don't enjoy having to cancel plans. I don't like to have to say "I'm sorry, I can't make it. I'm extra sick today." for the twentieth time this month. It doesn't make me feel good to know that you now think I'm flighty and unreliable. It's not fun for me, either. You aren't the only one who is inconvenienced by my being sick. 

Trust me, if I could go out all the time like you do, I would do it. If I could make last minute plans and go do something fun, I would do it. If I could follow through with my plans all of the time, you better believe I would do it. I'm not unreliable. I'm not flighty. I could easily say no to everything so that I don't have to cancel, but there ARE times when I can actually do things, and those times mean more than you could possibly understand. 

So, give up on me if you want to. Stop inviting me places if you feel like that's best. Get mad at me when something doesn't work out on my end. That's your prerogative. I would just appreciate a second of consideration first. I don't think that's too much to ask. 

You tell me that it's not easy to have a friend with Lyme. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, it isn't easy BEING the friend with Lyme, either?

Holidays with Lyme

Hi, I'm Leigh, and I am a holiday addict. (Hi Leigh!)

Okay, now that I've gotten that out there, let's have a little chat about Lyme during the holidays. 

Today is December 9th, meaning Christmas is 16 days away. That's 16 days to finish Christmas shopping, wrap all the presents, attend holiday parties...and run the risk of not being able to do any of those things. 

(...wait, what?) 

You see, Christmas shopping involves going into stores with fluorescent lights, lots of different smells, (if those cinnamon pine cones are involved, I might as well stay in the car.) lots of noises, and a semi-uncertain path to the front door if you need to leave to avoid passing out from said sensory overload. The idea of Christmas shopping is one of my favorite things about the holidays--I LOVE giving gifts. But, actually getting through a store is comparable to some sort of cruel and unusual punishment some days. Wrapping all the presents sounds easy enough though, right? Wrong. Sitting in one spot for any amount of time is asking for a joint to lock up or a muscle you didn't even know you had to start hurting. Remembering what you just wrapped long enough to put a tag on it is a whole 'nother obstacle in itself. And don't even get me started on the struggle that is attending holiday parties. There's the thought of having to put on real clothes (aka not yoga pants, sports bras, and sweatshirts--which hurts just thinking about it!) and sitting there in them for however long you manage to stay at the party with your skin feeling like it's actually on fire from the clothes touching it. There's the whole having-to-catch-family-members-up-on-your-life thing, and the gut wrenching feeling that comes along with every time you have to repeat "no, I don't have a job right now." or "no, I'm not healthy yet, but I'm working on it!" And then there's the battle between wanting to eat everything that's there and knowing that you shouldn't because it's not gluten free, there may be dairy in it, and most likely sugar too. And, if you choose to eat it anyway, there's the struggle of the pain (joint pain, stomach pain, headache, random swelling) the next day...and the day after and however long your body decides to be angry at you for that piece of something delicious that you decided to eat. 

BUT...it's not all bad. Like I told you earlier, I am a holiday addict. There is nothing that makes me happier than decorating for any holiday, but especially Christmas. I actually just finished putting up my tree in my bedroom tonight before I started writing this! And, some days, when Lyme hurts and life hurts, coming home and seeing the lights and the smiling snowmen things spread around your house is all it takes to remind you that everything is okay in that moment. Maybe your knee is twice the size it's supposed to be. Maybe your brain feels like it's shaking inside of your head. Maybe the idea of an impending spinal tap is in the back of your mind and you can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard you try. Maybe you can physically feel the Lyme moving through your body, looking for the next place to strike. (All of which is how I feel right now as I'm writing this.) But, if you can take a deep enough breath to push the pain aside for just a second, and if you can slow your brain down long enough to realize the beauty of what you're seeing around you, you have made it one breath closer to being okay again. Every single breath you take is one step closer to being better--one step closer to remission, or even just a break from moving backwards--and during the holidays, all of the shiny, sparkly things sure do make those breaths a little easier. 

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

For those of you who may be reading this without knowing who I am, let's begin there.

• I'm Leigh. 
• I'm twenty three years old and I live in Lusby, MD. 
• I have a degree in Recreational Therapy and I am a Certified Therapeutic Recreation Specialist. (That's the first time I've ever written that out and I now feel significantly cooler than when I started writing this post!) 
• I am happiest when I am making crafts, baking, or creating something. 
• I have a dog named Hershey who is more popular than I will ever be.
• My favorite color is blue but my bedroom is painted red. 
• Pieces of my heart are scattered all over the country with my Lyme friends, my college friends, my cousins, and friends who have moved away. 
• I am obsessed with the holidays--especially Halloween and Christmas--and I love nothing more than decorating everything in my life around those times.
• I love handwritten letters more than someone in the 21st century probably should. 
• My memories are the most important thing in my life. I remember dates of the most random things and I keep pictures of everything because I don't ever want to forget.

Now that it sounds like I'm writing a personals ad, (I love long walks on the beach and drinking pina coladas) let's move on to learning a little bit about Lyme. 

• Lyme disease is caused by the Borrelia Burgdorferi bacteria, a spiral shaped bacteria that, because of its shape, can burrow in any part of the body (including the brain, nervous system, muscles and joints, and the heart)
• Lyme disease can be introduced into the human body a number of different ways. While ticks are the main culprit, Lyme can also be transmitted in utero from an infected mother to her child, and there is also some data suggesting that it can be transmitted sexually.
• Lyme cases have been reported in every state in the United States.
• If a person knows they have been bitten by a tick (which I didn't), and they experience the "typical" bulls eye rash, they can receive treatment immediately and their risk of developing symptoms is significantly lowered. However, most people who are infected do not get the rash, and aren't aware that they have been infected until it's too late to receive the initial treatment.
• If the infection is not diagnosed and treated right away, the spirochetes (the spiral shaped bacteria) can go into hiding in the body and come out at any time (days, weeks, months or even years later) to wreak havoc on the brain, nervous system, muscles and joints, heart, digestive system, reproductive system, and skin. (and anything else they can find to destroy)
• Because of the bacteria's ability to hide, diagnostic blood tests are very unreliable. A large percentage of people who have Lyme do not receive a positive test on the first time (or the second, third, fourth, or seventieth) and it becomes a struggle in itself to find a doctor who is willing to not only keep testing, but treat clinically (based on symptoms) in the mean time.
• If not properly treated, Lyme can be fatal. (but anyone who is fighting Lyme knows that this is not an option we are willing to give it!)

But, while all of that is extremely important information that I thank you ever-so-much for reading, it's most important to remember that a person with Lyme is just that, a person. And the things that matter most are the things in my first list in this post--the things that make that person who are they are, with or without the Lyme. 

I have Lyme, but Lyme doesn't have me.

Green.

"Greetings--Kermit the frog here. And today I'd like to tell you a little bit about the color green...

It's not easy being green. It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things. And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water or stars in the sky."

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Greetings, Leigh the the human here. And I would also like to tell you a little bit about the color green. For most of you reading this, you probably know that I have Lyme Disease. But, that's probably where I lose you. 

...Wait, Leigh, you have what? 

What is Lyme Disease?...

Don't you even worry...you've come to the right place! Hang on tight, because it's bound to be a bumpy ride! 

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"When green is all there is to be, it could make you wonder why. But why wonder? Why wonder? I am green and it'll do fine."