Most days I don't see them anymore. Sure, they're always there. They live on my chest. And yes, they're very obvious if you aren't me or if you aren't used to seeing them. But most days I don't even see them anymore. They're just part of me now. Just like the scar on my leg from my surgeries there. Or like my tattoos. In a weird way, scars kind of are like tattoos, aren't they? Weird tattoos that my body has given me as reminders of a struggle. Or maybe as reminders of strength. Whatever it is--however you want to look at it--I don't notice them most days.
But tonight I saw them. And I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I tasted the taste of a saline flush in my mouth. If you've ever had IV treatment of any kind you know what I'm talking about. And my whole body got hot thinking about the day that my port was manually flipped from outside of my body to try and save me from surgery. It was a weird flashback. And I don't know where it came from or why it happened tonight. But it hit me hard.
And as I stood there looking at my scars, more things started rushing back through my head. The day I got my diagnosis. Being so sick in college on new meds, just trying to push through til graduation. Then finally making it. Getting my first port. Crying to my angel of a home nurse at 7am most Friday mornings as she stuck a new needle in my chest. Meds and more meds. Hearing that my port wasn't salvageable after an awful day of trying to save it. Getting a new port. Passing out in the nurses arms at my post op. Even more meds. Having to get rid of my port. Losing my doctor. It all came back tonight.
And as it cleared, and I noticed the tears running down my cheeks, I started thinking about what those two scars on my chest have been through with me. And I guess I can't be mad about it. I can be sad. Because it's not something I would even wish on my worst enemy. But I can't be mad. Because I am a million times stronger for it. Because of what I've been through with those scars, I'm a better Leigh.
I know how hard things can be, but I know how beautiful they can be, too. I know how much pain my body can endure, but I know how great it can feel to know that you made it through that pain. I know how ugly a scar can look from the outside, but I also know how strong it can make you feel on the inside.
So tonight, I saw my port scars. And my heart broke a little as things came flooding back to me. And it broke a little more as I realized how much further I have to go. But I also saw my port scars and felt a little stronger knowing that they got me this far and there's absolutely nothing that I cannot do.
So if you're feeling sad tonight, too--if you're feeling like there's a mountain in your way that you can't climb--know that you aren't alone. My battle feels big tonight. But I have two permanent marks on my chest to remind me that I'm strong enough. And if you don't have something like that, let me be the thing right now to tell you--you are strong enough. You can do it. I just know you can.
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