Just keep waiting for your lizard.

I’ve found myself in a few situations lately where I’ve been talking about my Lyme to new people in my life. Some new friends. Some new doctors. And, after a long time of living with Lyme you’d think it would get easier. You’d think it would get to a point where I would just be spurting off the same information. And, I guess, in a way, it is like that. I’m telling the same story time and time again.

“it started with headaches when I was 11…”

And the gist of the story never really changes.

“I had a few years of IV treatment…”

“yes, I really do hurt all of the time.”

And we always end up in the same place.

“…yep, I really am still sick.”

“It’s okay. I'll be okay! Thank you!”

But there’s still the sting that comes along with the fact that the story I’m telling is my own. The words that I’m repeating are not made up for interest; they are my truth. There’s still that punch in the stomach that happens when I stop talking about my story but continue feeling it. And there’s still the anxiety that comes with the “oh my goodness” realization of “that really is my life.”

I wish I could just close a book and have the story stay within the pages. And I wish telling the story got easier with time. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t get easier. It doesn’t hurt less. And it doesn’t make me hate it less the more I say it. If anything, it’s the opposite. Every time I tell the story, the words sound uglier. Every time I write it, they look more mean. Every time I talk about it I want it further away from me.

But, every day that I add to my story holds the possibility of being the day where the little green lizard with the giant cute eyes comes in. (Because who really cares about a knight in shining armor when you can have a cute little lizard?) So I will keep adding to it.

And yes, telling my story sucks. And it hurts. And it feels bad every single time. But if it can make even one person feel less alone, it's worth it. If it can make even one person understand someone else in their life, it's worth it. If it can make even one person realize that the things they've been feeling are real and legitimate and help them get their diagnosis before it gets to the point where mine is, it's so worth it. And, even if it's just me telling a new friend because that person legitimately cares about me and wants to know about my life, then that's worth it too.  

So no, it doesn't get easier. Or at least it hasn't yet. But I will keep telling my story with the best intentions, no matter how hard it is. Because, like I've said time and time again--Lyme is tough but I am tougher. And, if you are feeling like your story is tough right now, be it a Lyme story or otherwise, know that you are tougher, too.

Everything will be okay. Just keep waiting for your lizard.