Tired.

Today I am at a doctors office for the second time this week. Yesterday it was a follow up for my gallbladder surgery. Today it is the ophthalmologist. I feel like I live at the doctors--one doctors or another. And, frankly, it's not where I would choose to live. My doctors are nice and all, but I would much rather live in a place with exposed brick, exposed beams, a big kitchen, and a hot tub. Not a place that smells like alcohol preps, has machines everywhere that look like they could be some form of medieval torture and come with phrases like "just put your face here and try as hard as you can not to blink while this is in your eye," and leaves me questioning myself on whether or not that pain is better or worse than it was last month.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of confirmation calls and "would you like morning or afternoon?". I'm tired of "Miss Burbank you can come on back" and I'm tired of "we'll see you in a month."

I'm thankful for "you have no copay" and I'm thankful for "your insurance will cover this one." I'm more thankful for that than you know. I know how lucky I am.

But I'm tired.

I'm tired of "sorry, I can't, I have a doctors appointment." And I'm tired of "it will have to be next week--I have three doctors appointments this week."

It's exhausting.

If you know me, or if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know how much I hate the phrase "it's not fair"...but right now that's how I feel.

It's not fair that I have to keep my body working through the hands of doctors, science, and medicine. It's not fair that I have to rely on someone else to keep me alive. It's my body--but it's not.

I am not wavering in my thankfulness. I will never stop being hopeful. But man, I am tired.