Merry Christmas--even if it doesn't feel so merry.

(Just a disclaimer: I know it's Christmas. (I'm actually writing this in the middle of the night between Christmas Eve and Christmas, but when you're reading it it will be Christmas.) And I know that writing a not-so-happy post on Christmas seems weird and could easily be construed as complaining. But I am not complaining. I am writing this for anyone who might be reading it and feeling the same way I am right now. I've gone back and forth in my head about writing this post. Quite a few times. Like, probably 28. But I decided to go for it. I am lucky enough to have this platform to share my thoughts and I'm going to use it. I am extremely fortunate to have the life I have. I am extremely fortunate to be celebrating the Christmas that I am with the family that I have. But Lyme doesn't stop for Christmas. And that why this post is happening today.)

First of all, hi! If you're reading this on the day that I'm posting it, Merry Christmas if you celebrate Christmas! Happy Hanukkah if you celebrate that, as well! If you don't celebrate either, then just hi!

As I'm lying here writing this, I feel 9/10 miserable. My legs ache so bad I don't know if I could stand up if I tried. I have costochondritis pain so bad in my chest that I feel like I'm being simultaneously stabbed in the sternum and sat on by 3 full size elephants. My eye is falling to the left because it's tired and I'm not wearing the glasses with the prisms that hold my eyes straight (that are also failing on me because the muscles in my eyes are getting weaker just like the muscles everywhere else) making even writing this difficult if I don't close my left eye while I look at the screen. My brain feels like it has fire ants in it. I'm still recovering from gallbladder surgery and everything that goes along with that. And the anxiety inside of me is building and building because I know that once I'm back to my baseline after my gallbladder recovery, I will start Lyme treatment again. Fifteen months of treatment.

It never ends.

It doesn't matter that I'm writing this on Christmas Eve. All of the symptoms that I'm feeling right now don't care one bit. It doesn't matter that it is Christmas. Lyme doesn't go away. It doesn't take a break. It doesn't have a day off. I still have to get dressed in my Christmas outfit, look presentable, tell everyone that I'm feeling okay (or even worse--that I'm feeling better) just because I look nice. I have to talk to everyone about my life. I have to smile and do all of the things I'm supposed to do. While my head is pounding just from keeping my eyes open. While my bones feel like they're cracking under me. While my surgery incisions feel like they're ripping apart every time I go in for a hug. While my anxiety is sky high just waiting for the time I go to answer a question and can't find my words--the time I have to think on the fly because I don't know the answer to something I should know the answer to--the time my brain doesn't feel like it's mine at all.

Lyme doesn't care.

And it's exhausting. And if you're feeling the same way today, I feel you. You aren't alone. It's hard. Holidays are wonderful and terrible at the same time--and that is okay. Let it be okay. Let yourself feel the way you need to feel.

Lyme doesn't care but I do. I believe in you. You can get through today. I know it.

Merry Christmas--even if it doesn't feel so merry.