Holidays.

Holidays are tough. There are a lot of feelings that come along with them. There are a lot of expectations that come along with them--from other people and from ourselves, as well. And there can be a lot of disappointment that comes along with them if you aren't careful.

Be easy on yourself. Do what you need to do for you. If you can't do it, don't. If you can't keep up, don't push yourself. The thing about a holiday is that it's just one day. You have to get through it and then keep going afterwards. So, if pushing yourself through it means you can't keep going afterwards, don't push yourself. Gauge it and do what works. Like I said, it's just one day. You have a whole life ahead of you.

If you feel like your family is going to be upset with you if you don't make it, talk to them. Explain why you aren't coming. You don't owe them anything, but an explanation never hurts. Chances are they really aren't going to be upset with you, though. They love you and want you to get better. In most cases we expect more and are harder on ourselves than anyone else. A lot of the expectation is in our own head.

If you are reading this and are alone today on this thanksgiving holiday, you are not the only one. I am alone today, too. I could not do it today. And that is okay. If you could not do it today, that is okay. We will get it next time.

I believe in us. Happy thanksgiving.

Hey Rachel...

Hey Rachel...

I hope wherever you are they have a good wifi connection and you can read this! I hope you've had a good year--free from the pain, the illness, and all the things that this ugly disease brings us. I'm sure you're much happier. I know you are, actually. I know a lot of people miss you here, though. Just from the few times I was lucky enough to talk to you I knew you were something special. But during the past weekend when I was lucky enough to spend the weekend with your beautiful family I learned it a lot more. Your pictures are still up in the hallway. Your towel hook with the "R" on it is still up in the bathroom. Your 16th birthday candle is still in the bag of candles. And they talk about you a lot. They told me over and over that I reminded them of you--that was a pretty cool compliment. They aren't dwelling on your death; they're honoring your life. You have a pretty cool, crazy family. But I know you know that.

I love your sister. She's one of the greatest people in my life. Her friendship has gotten me through things that I don't know if I would have gotten through otherwise. But more than anything, she loves you, Rachel. She loves you and she misses you. But she's stronger now. She's had one hell of a year but she's one hell of a fighter. And I know you're just as proud of her as I am. Keep watching over her and sending her strength.

We talked a lot about you this weekend. Were you eavesdropping? Do you already know that? We talked about the fact that you left us because you were limited by your sick body here on earth. You couldn't do what your soul needed to do. You were held back by your illness and couldn't achieve the things that your big heart and your amazing soul needed to achieve. So you moved on to somewhere that you could make a bigger impact. It's hard for everyone you left behind but as long as they can have that mindset, it makes it a tiny bit easier.

You're truly one of the lucky ones. You are free from the pain and the suffering of this ugly disease. You aren't held back by something out of your control anymore. You are free. Free from the poison that we pump into our bodies. Free from the ongoing doctors appointments. Free from the judgement. Free from all of it. You still have so many people that love you, Rachel. You will never be forgotten.

Fly free. You deserve it.

"Okay, is that it?"

Today I was at the doctor's office and I caught myself saying something that really hit me.

There was a new tech and she was inputting information into the computer system and she asked me about my medicines. It was a simple conversation that went like this:

Tech: "are these meds listed here the ones you're still taking?"

Me: "no, the first two I don't take anymore. The dose on the third one is changed. The next few are fine. And then I have some more to add."

She then proceeded to change everything I told her and said "okay, is that it?"

And I half jokingly said "I think so? They change so much I don't really know anymore."

Now, I do actually know because I have a list in my phone of my current meds. But what hit me what that when I said it she laughed. And I laughed. But the reality of the situation is that I don't remember a day that I wasn't on some sort of medicine. I don't remember a day when I could carelessly go through the day without having to think about if I took my medicine, or if the reason I'm feeling the way I'm feeling is just because of a medicine change or if I need to be concerned, or if I need medicine refills. I don't remember the last time I could stay at a friend's house without having planned it ahead of time because I have to have medicine with me at night. I don't remember the last time I could just go a day without being reminded by those medicines that I am, in fact, really sick.

And, don't get me wrong--I'm thankful. I'm thankful for modern medicine. I'm thankful that I live in a place where I'm able to get to a pharmacy and to reliably get the medicine that I need. And I'm thankful that I have insurance to help me with it.

But damn.

It would be so incredibly nice to go one day without thinking about it.

And I live for the day that I can finally say..."you can take all of those off the list."

I'm back. Again.

When I decided to take a break from blogging a couple of months ago I did so for one reason--I felt like my journey was becoming a burden. I felt like sharing my Lyme life was making me lose the last few people, the last few friends, who were still hanging in there with me. And I didn't want to risk losing even more than I already had. So I took a break. But breaks are weird. Taking a break in a relationship is weird because you probably really should just end things but don't quite want to make that commitment. Taking a break in the middle of a long class is weird because then it's even harder to come back and sit through the rest. And taking a break from blogging has proven to be weird, as well. I found myself attempting to come back a few times, only to replay in my head the conversations I had with friends about my journey lately and realizing that maybe it was all still too much.

But I'm back now.

And I'm back because it is, in fact, all too much. But it's all too much for me. It's all too much to handle alone. And my blog is an outlet. And I'm doing myself a disservice by not letting myself use that outlet. And, who knows, maybe someone else really was getting something out of my blog, too. And who am I to take that away from them just because I'm scared?

So I'm back.

Today my doctor looked at a report that she received from a test I had done, laughed at the results, and then high-fived me and told me I now hold the record for the worst results she's ever seen.

So that about sums me up right now.

Winning at losing.
Hanging on.
Attempting to be positive.
And, above all, being thankful. For my family. For my friends. And for this outlet that I have.

There's always something to be thankful for.