Fear.

I have written a few posts lately and then deleted them because I didn't think they sounded right--too whiney, too much like I was begging for attention, too jumbled--just not right in one way or another. But I'm going to try again. And if you are reading this, then I succeeded. Yay me!

Sometimes Lyme is really scary. I try not to focus on that aspect of things. But, it makes its way in there every now and then. And fear is a big emotion. A big, heavy, rude, nasty emotion. And, no matter how hard you try to push it away, it pushes back just as hard, sometimes even a little harder. 

(If emotions were a thing you had to bring home to meet your parents, fear would not be the one to bring.)

And, sometimes, fear can be productive. It can motivate you to get things done, or to make a choice. But most of the time, it sucks. And, right now in my life, it's not productive at all. It's heavy. It's confusing. And, sometimes, it's damn near paralyzing. 

Right now, as I'm writing this, there are tears dripping down my cheeks. And I don't know why. I have no explanation as to why I'm crying, or why I've been randomly crying off and on all day. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not any kind of anything that should make me cry. But, out of the blue, all day, I've been crying. 

Now, for most people that wouldn't be scary. It's just an emotional day. But, for me, it's scary. It's scary because, for the last few days, I have been able to feel the Lyme moving through my body. I can feel it looking for its next victim, its next place to hide. And today, I can feel it in my brain. (Yeah, my brain. It's as creepy as it sounds. It feels like my brain is shaking. And it feels like there is something fuzzy in my head, making everything a little harder to understand, a little harder to say, and a little harder to make into thoughts. It feels like I'm living in a marshmallow with the occasional shaking of a snow globe.) And, it scares the hell out of me to think that the reason I'm crying is because the bacteria is exploring my brain, and leaving its mark on the part of my brain that controls my emotions. It's scary to think about where it's going to make itself at home next. I find myself feeling something and immediately worrying that it's going to be like that for the next four weeks until things move around again. 

I want it to stop. I want to feel in control of my emotions again. I want to feel in control of my brain again. I want to feel in control of my body again, in general.

And, I may be tough. I may be strong 99% of the time. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, Lyme is really scary.