Today.

This morning I put on my Lyme awareness shirt. I thought nothing of it. It was clean, I could find a headband that matched it, and I didn't wear it yesterday...check!

I was going to a new doctor today, for a totally non-Lyme-related problem. I was hopeful that I would get an answer to my pain, and that I'd be headed in the right direction again as quickly as it all started. I had no reason to believe otherwise. I've spoken here before about the anxiety that goes along with seeing a new doctor, but I didn't even feel any of that today. I was wearing my favorite lime green flip flops. My hair looked good. I was hopeful. 

I walked into the doctors office, met a friendly nurse, peed in a cup, and went into the room still hopeful. 

Then the doctor walked in. 

And, within 5 minutes all of my hope about the appointment was gone, everything that I know to be true was insulted, and I was left feeling like a puddle on the floor that the doctor had just stepped in, splashing parts of me every which way. I was angry. I was hurt. And I was walking out with no answers, and no relief. 

But then, I walked into the bathroom at a store a few minutes later, and I looked in the mirror. I saw my Lyme awareness shirt and suddenly it meant so much more than it did when I put it on this morning. I realized that my truth is still my truth. Despite the doctor's mean words. I'm still fighting. Despite the doubt that was thrown at me. I'm still winning. Despite the questions about whether or not I was even fighting anything real in the first place. 

And this doctor can knock me down, but he can't keep me there. There was a point when the things he said to me would have crushed me beyond repair. But as I was standing there looking at my Lyme shirt, I realized that my strength was still in there. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still that puddle that the doctor stomped on today. But you know what's cool about a puddle? It evaporates. It doesn't stay on the ground forever. It makes its way back up to the sky. And that's what I'm going to do. 

I'm going to make my way back up. Maybe not tonight. But tomorrow is a new day. 

This morning when I put on my Lyme shirt, I didn't think anything of it. Tonight when I take it off, I will not take for granted the strength that it reminded me of today. 

If you're feeling like a puddle tonight, know that you aren't the only one. It's easy to feel like you have nowhere else to go once you're on the ground. But I promise you won't be there forever. 

I can do it. And I know that can do it, too.