Focusing on right now is hard when you're sick. You always want to compare now to then. Today to yesterday, or today to tomorrow. It's so incredibly easy to get frustrated when you can't do today the same things you could do a week ago. And it's so easy to fall into a rut thinking about what you're missing and what you might not be able to do ten years down the road because of everything your disease is taking from you right now. And yes, those things matter. It's important to look back on the past, and it's important to look forward to the future...but not for the reasons that we do it.
Let's take my right now for example. I could think back to a couple days ago when I was five hours away from home having an awesome adventure at a safari park with my best friend, and I could 1. be sad that I'm feeling so much worse today than I was that day, and wish I could have that day back....or, 2. be thankful that I had that good day, and be excited for more days like that in the future. (If you're lost, the one I should be doing is number 2.) It's so easy to find yourself feeling bad about the days you're having based on the days you've had...but, what's important is to get yourself into the mindset that you're having a day at all. And you will have more days, if all goes as planned.
Before I started writing this post, I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Not because my life is bad, or because I have it worse than anyone else...but because I had a good day and now it's gone. But that's ridiculous. I'm totally missing the point. I had a good day. Yes I came home in a ridiculous amount of pain. Yes I slept half of the next day away. But I did it. I went five hours away from home (stay tuned for a future post about sick-girl-anxiety), I had an awesome time, and I recharged a little bit with my best friend by my side. I did it. And that's nothing to take for granted.
The future is a tricky thing too. As you probably know from reading my blog in the past (if this is your first time reading, nice to meet you...now go read the rest of my posts!) I don't work. I'm twenty four years old and I have no job because I'm sick. My friends are getting awesome jobs, moving up in their companies, getting bonuses...and I'm reading books about how to sell things on Etsy so I can work around doctors appointments and bad Lyme days. It's hard not to sit here and think about my friends getting engaged, getting married, having kids, buying houses, and steadily moving forward with their lives. I look at my calendar everyday and almost everything is medical related. Doctors appointments. Pre-op appointments. Surgery dates. Days I need to give myself a shot. And when all you see is that, it's hard to convince yourself that the future is going to be any different. But what's important is to remind myself that it's not my future...it's my right now.
You know what else is hard? Other people. They see that you're 24 and not working. They see that you don't seem to be moving forward with your life at the same rate as most people. They see that your life is different. But, unless they take the time to look further into it, they don't see why. They don't see your right now; they don't see your today. And it's hard to put your blinders up so you can't see outside of your right now, while at the same time wanting people to be able to see into your right now. I haven't quite mastered it yet. But when I do, I'll let you know the trick.
But, for now, it's important to know that your right now is okay. It might seem scary (and by might I mean normally does, and by scary I mean absolutely terrifying) but, it really is okay.
Try not to look too far back, or too far forward. But, if you find yourself doing it anyway, try and focus on the good things. The things that brought you to this point, and the things that you're looking forward to. Comparing right now to the past in terms of what you could do then that you can't now isn't healthy. Dreading the future because it's turning out differently than you expected is counterproductive.
So, I leave you today with one of my favorite Dr. Seuss quotes..."today you are you, that is truer than true--there's no one alive who is you-er than you." Because, sometimes all you can say when you look at your day (just talking about Dr. Seuss made me a poet) is that you made it through. You did it. You survived. And that's okay. Right now is okay.
Believe in yourself. Believe in your right now. That's what matters.
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