Sorry.

If you've ever asked me, or wondered, if my blog is about you, the answer to this one is yes.

To you--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm sick.
I'm sorry that it's not always easy to be my friend.
I'm sorry that sometimes I have to cancel our plans.
(And I'm sorry that sometimes I should cancel our plans and I don't and then halfway through what we're doing we both end up realizing why I should have canceled our plans.)
I'm sorry that I'm time consuming.
I'm sorry that I'm distracting.
I'm sorry that it's easier to talk to your other friends.
(And I'm sorry that you don't feel like you can talk to me anymore.)
I'm sorry that I come with a lot of baggage.
I'm sorry that baggage is heavy sometimes.
I'm sorry that sometimes I just have to sit down. (And I'm sorry that sometimes it happens in awkward places.)
I'm sorry if I've ever been an embarrassment to you because of my health.
I'm sorry that sometimes I can't remember my words and it takes me a long time to think.
I'm sorry that I can't do the things you want to do all the time.
I'm sorry I have to go home at night to take my medicine.
I'm sorry I can't keep up.
I'm sorry I don't look the way I used to.
I'm sorry I have scars and I'm sorry people stare at them when we're in public.
(And I'm sorry if you've ever heard them whisper. The people. Not my scars.)
I'm sorry I'm not who I used to be.
I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

To me--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I push you too hard sometimes.
I'm sorry I expect more of you than you have to give me right now.
I'm sorry I get mad at you for not being able to keep up.
I'm sorry you've lost so many friends because you're sick.
I'm sorry you have to sleep so much. (I know you want to live your life outside of your bed.)
I'm sorry that you can't even trust your own body anymore.
I'm sorry that being sick has left you feeling so lonely sometimes.
I'm sorry that you feel like such a burden.
I'm sorry that you feel like you're 126 instead of 26.
I'm sorry I have to fill you with so much medicine just to get you through the days.
I'm sorry you feel like you can't win.
I'm sorry I can't win for you.

I'm just really sorry.