Admiration.

First of all, let us address the elephant in the room (or I guess the elephant on the screen). It has been a long time since I blogged--yes. Do I have an excuse? Not particularly. To be completely honest, I just haven't felt like it. I haven't felt like explaining myself. I haven't felt like coming up with eloquent ways to talk about things that, in all reality, are ugly. I haven't felt like getting comments telling me how strong and great I am because I've felt far from strong or great. And, I haven't felt like reading what I wrote. Writing it out is one thing. Reading it back and realizing that it is my life, sometimes that's not my favorite activity. So yes, it's been a long time. Yes there are times I could have sucked it up and written. But I didn't. And now I am. Okay, moving on. 

About a week ago, I was at an eye appointment. I don't think I've ever mentioned it here before, but I have an incredible eye doctor. She's caring, she takes time to make sure I'm getting what I need--from both herself and the doctors she refers me to, she is helpful, she believes in lyme, and most importantly, she believes in me. So, anyway, I was at my appointment with her a week ago and she said "Leigh, we need to get you back. You worked hard to finish school while you were feeling awful, which is so admirable, and we just have to get you back on track." And she's right, I absolutely need to get back on track. But all I could focus on was the fact that she said my efforts to graduate while I was sick were admirable. 

Admirable. 

To me, you admire someone because that someone did something great. You admire your favorite artist's painting because it's beautiful and they put a lot of work into it. You admire your mom or dad because they're great people and they are who you want to grow up to be. You admire your favorite celebrity because they did something philanthropic and awesome. And all of those things make sense to me. Those are all things that these people choose to do, or be, or believe in. And, for the most part, the admiration is directed towards them because of what they, personally, did. 

But when I think about myself, I don't see anything worth admiring. Admiration seems too personal. Too much like it was all me and my hard work. Too much like I'm the one who should be looked up to. 

But, in reality, I didn't graduate college because of me. Sure I am the one that went to my classes, I am the one who got my grades, and I am the one whose name is on my diploma. But my efforts were far from personal--far from just my own. 

I graduated because I was surrounded during the hardest two years of my life by people who cared more about me than I knew what to do with. I was surrounded by people who loved me and put my needs before their own. I lived with the most beautiful human beings that didn't necessarily understand my exact situation, but tried their absolute hardest and did a pretty great job. They understood that when I couldn't get out of bed, they could always come to me instead. And they knew that when Rent was playing on my tv, it was a bad day, and they let that be okay. I had professors that sincerely cared about me, not only as a student but as a person. I had one professor who offered to drive me home one day when I was more sick than normal. And I had another professor who gave me more of her time than I ever could have asked for, just trying to understand my battle. I had friends that helped me when I missed class. I had friends that stood up for me when other people in our classes weren't so understanding and thought I was getting special treatment for no reason. I had friends from home that were constant reminders of who I used to be and what that old Leigh wanted. They were the reason I kept going even when things got tough. And I had friends that did their best to treat me as normally as possible even though it wasn't always easy. 

I didn't graduate because I worked hard. I mean sure, I did work hard. But I graduated because the people around me held me up when I couldn't. And to me, THAT is what's worth admiring. I am just one human being. And my ability to walk across that stage almost three years ago (wow I think that's the first time I realized I've almost been out of college for 3 years!) was far from my own doing. I am not admirable. The support I had, and continue to have, is admirable. And I never, for even half of a second, take that for granted.

So, if you fall into one of those categories that I have mentioned, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. It may not be the best functioning heart, but the part that pumps out love and sincere thankfulness for you is working 100%. And even if you weren't around during my college days, or you don't think I'm talking about you, I appreciate you too. This was an appreciation post to those people because it came up in conversation the other day and got me thinking. But every day that I can keep pushing forward is a living appreciation post. 

Thank you thank you. I admire you.