"It's okay. I'm used to it."

As I was sitting in the doctors office one day last week, with a tourniquet around both of my wrists, willing the veins in my hands to show themselves so the lady could take my blood, I said something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about since. The lady was tapping my hand to get the veins to come up, and she apologized for having to work so hard and poke me so many times to get my blood. And, without even thinking about it I said "oh it's okay! I'm used to it." 

My intention in saying it was to try and make the poor lady feel better. She was the second person to be called in to try and get my blood, and she was struggling--at no fault of her own, at total fault of my veins--and I felt bad for her. I always do. I find myself apologizing every single time I have blood drawn because it's never an easy task for anyone involved. But, what really bothered me was the truth in what I said to her. 

"I'm used to it."

So often I brush off something that is happening or something that I'm feeling with those words. 

"It's okay. I'm used to it."

But, it's not okay. It's not okay to be used to pain. It's not okay to be used to fear, especially when it's fear of your own body. 

It's not okay to be used to waking up anxious, waiting to open your eyes to see if your head still hurts. It's not okay to be used to feeling like your heart is going to pop out of your chest when you have palpitations that just won't quit. It's not okay to be used to the stabbing pains that go on a tour of your entire body every day, stopping at each joint along the way. ("And to your left we have the enlarged spleen in its natural habitat.") It's not okay to be used to feeling like the ground isn't under you when you stand up. It's not okay to be used to being afraid to go to sleep when you're feeling bad because you're afraid you won't wake up. It's not okay to be used to struggling to remember the name of something that you use every single day. It's not okay to be used to putting chemicals into your body. And it's not okay to be used to feeling like you're going to die without them. 

It's not okay for your friends to be used to you canceling plans on them time and time again. It's not okay for your family to be used to you having to go to the car during a shopping trip because the lights are making you sick in the store again. It's not okay for the people that mean the most to you to be used to you dropping off the face of the earth for a few days because you have to just sleep off the pain.  

It's not okay. 

And, I will continue to tell the blood draw lady that it's okay. I will continue to shrug my shoulders when I wake up with a headache still because, 4 years later, I am used to it. I will continue to tell you that I'm okay with missing out on yet another family function or another day with friends, because it happens all the time. 

But, it's not okay.

Being used to being sick is not fair. And it will never be okay.