I have a body.

I don't have a perfect body.

I have a body that has been hurt. By myself. By others. And by processes and procedures in an attempt to make me better.

I have a body that's scarred. When I look in the mirror that's what I see. When I look at other people--in the store, when I meet them for the first time, whatever it may be--that's where their eyes are, too. Not meeting my eyes. Looking at my scars. "What are those?" "They're just scars. I had surgery there." "...oh."

I have a body that continually malfunctions. One way or another. One part or another. One organ or another. Without warning. Like it doesn't remember what it's supposed to be doing. Like it doesn't remember which way is up. Like it doesn't remember how to be a body anymore.

I have a body that I can't trust. A body that doesn't let me make plans for the future let alone get through one day without throwing me off my path.

I have a body that is scared. Scared that it isn't good enough. Scared that it isn't strong enough. Scared that it can't handle what's next.

I have a body that doesn't feel like I belong in it. With skin that feels too tight some days and too loose others. Like I'm going to pop out of it one minute and then like there's water under it and I'm floating ten minutes later. A body that doesn't even look like mine when I look in the mirror. A body that doesn't feel like mine either. Like I'm always either two steps ahead or behind it.

I have a body that has been taken apart and pieced back together. Things have been added to try and help me. Things have been taken away to try and help me, too. I've been a pin cushion. A puzzle.

I don't have a perfect body.

I just have a body.

I have a body that's hanging in there. A body that is trying. A body that never could have imagined being this body. A body that gets lost in a world that isn't what it imagined for itself.

A body that is fighting anyway.

Dating.

You know what's difficult? Dating.
You know what's even more difficult? Dating as an adult.
You know what's even more difficult than that? Dating as an adult with a chronic illness.

Let's talk about why, shall we?

1. If you're not able to work, how are you going to meet people?
2. If you go the online dating route there's that awkward factor of having to tell people in your life that you're online dating. There really should be no shame in your game, but there's definitely a stigma surrounding it in some people's minds that you have to get around.
3. What do you write as your occupation when you do decide to go the online dating route? "Professional sick girl. Really good at it. Winning."
4. All of your profile pictures are with your dog because you don't go out and do anything.
5. You have to decide when you're going to bring up your health situation in conversation. Do you approach it close to the beginning to get it out of the way/see if they're going to run? Or do you ease it into conversation later once you've already won them over?
6. The fact that you even have to think about whether or not your health situation is going to make them run SUCKS.
7. If you don't directly approach it you get comments like "you seem to have a lot of health problems" (I got this one the other day). And then you have to explain. (Or, you go into defense mode and explain how you also have a lot of other good qualities and how your health is really just a small part of you before realizing that he didn't know that was a touchy subject and he didn't deserve your freakout. Oops.)
8. When they ask you why your last relationship ended, you have to make up a reason because "my health was too much for him" isn't painting yourself in a way that makes you seem dateable.
9. Your anxiety makes everything bigger than it is.
10. Sometimes you think it might just be easier to just stay alone forever because you already know yourself and your weird health quirks.

So there. See? It's super difficult. Exciting sometimes. But difficult, nonetheless.

So for now I'm going to put on my pajamas, my fuzzy socks, and cuddle with my puppy because he already knows me and my health quirks too. And loves me for them. And he likes napping even more than I do.

And that's really saying something.