Four years ago today I felt hopeful. I thought I would take some medicine, listen and do what I was told, and get better. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy road, but I had no clue how long and bumpy it really was going to be. I had no clue that I would be faced with finding a new doctor, without any warning. I had no clue that I would finally get the positive test that I needed, but not for a few long years after I took that first pill. I had no clue that I would have to push harder than I knew possible to get through college while I was sicker than I ever had been. I had no clue that the port I had put in three days after I graduated college would not be my last one. And I had no clue that now, four years later, I would still be sick and again left looking for a new doctor without any warning.
Four years ago today I thought I knew what it meant to be sick. I thought I had reached the sickest I could be, but only because it was the sickest I had ever been...yet. I thought I knew what it meant to be tired. And I thought I had seen the worst of what the lyme life had to offer.
But I had no clue.
Now today, four years later, here I am. I have learned never to think that it can't possibly get worse, because my body is a pro at proving that it can. (And while I admire its determination and confidence in its abilities to make me sicker, I wish it didn't constantly feel the need to prove that to me.) I have learned to never assume that this round of treatment is the last, because I will only end up disappointed when it isn't. I have learned that doctors leave--some by choice, and some in ways completely out of their control--but, despite that, lyme doesn't leave. I have learned that tired isn't a feeling that I experience anymore, it's just a characteristic--just part of who I am. (Leigh: red-headed, freckled, determined, creative, tired.) And I have learned that adversity is something that comes with the territory, along with the heartbreak of being faced with it time and time again.
But, I have also learned that I am strong. I have discovered strength within myself that I didn't even know was possible. I have pushed through, and continue to push through, things that feel absolutely impossible. And I have learned that there will always be some days that I go to bed thinking "How?! How did I make it through today?" I have learned that things that I thought were a big deal four years ago aren't even close to important today. And I have learned that other people aren't going to understand that. But I have also learned that, given the opportunity, people really do want to learn more about what I'm going through. I have learned that I can, in fact, swallow upwards of ten pills at one time, but only with really cold water or something with bubbles. (Pro tip: if you can't feel your throat, you won't feel the pills as they jockey for position on their way down.) And, most importantly, I have learned that I can do anything. I can get through anything. Lyme is tough, but I am WAY tougher.
Four years ago today I was a different person.
Am I worn down and exhausted? Absolutely.
Are there times that I want to throw in the towel? More than I want to admit.
Am I still hesitant to believe that I'm going to get better? Of course.
But am I hopeless? Far from it.
I heard a quote once that was along the lines of "as long as I'm breathing I can hope." And I couldn't have said it better myself. I will always have hope.
So, here's to four years of treatment. And here's to hoping that this year is the last!
